Sunday, June 19, 2005

Sooo Seductive

Just like every hip-happening 20-something, I spent my Friday night babysitting my cousins [that’s right I have the job of a 12-year-old girl and I refuse to feel any shame about it]. Because I am such a good babysitter I allowed my youngest cousin, Sam, to pick the video we watched, and like every girl her age she picked a Hilary Duff classic: Raise Your Voice. Now, I enjoy fluffy tween-movies just as much as the next guy but weepy-romantic-family-drama ones, are where I draw the line. But, I watched it anyway, and I assure you it was horrible. Within 20 minutes of the movie Hilary and her older brother snuck off to see a THREE DAY’S GRACE concert. If that doesn’t foretell of the suck about to come, I don’t know what does.

Forget for a second that Hilary Duff is playing a girl with a voice SO good she gets invited to an elite music-school, alongside kids who play actual instruments, the cliché-stock characters were just too much to bare. We had the Angry-Black-Female roommate, who as you may have guessed, gets off to a rough start with dear Hilary but manages to grudgingly befriend her along the way. Then there was the ‘mean girl’ who makes Hilary feel like she’s not good enough, but of course Duff overcomes it and said mean girl gets her comeuppance. There’s the overly-invested teacher who frankly creeped me out.

The Dad with the ‘bark bigger than his bite’, who initially doesn’t realize how much ‘talent’ Hil actually has. Then we have the kooky-hip Aunt who helps her rebellious niece and apparently has no life of her own. There’s also the pseudo-straight guy friend who can’t seem to get the girl, even though the audience knows this kid grows up to be gay.

All of that I bore through clenched-teeth and inappropriate laughing fits – like the point where Hilary’s creepy older brother WONT STOP VIDEO RECORDING HIS SISTER, sure he was sending the school a video of her ‘talent’ but it definitely came off with way more incestuous over-tones than any Duff movie should have. The part I absolutely drew the line at was when my cousin proclaimed Duff’s love-interest to be cute. The boy had a MULLET. If her parents don’t steer my cousins down the right path in life, it will have to be me. I declared in no-uncertain terms that she was never to describe a boy with a mullet as cute EVER again, I don’t care how post-punk-ironic his mullet was intended to be, it was a creepfest.

The best part of the movie was the ‘anti-drinking’ campaign, sure to draw in the parents of the tween-demographic, this movie was otherwise intending to target. Sheesh, way to give under-age drinking such a bad name mullet-boy, now no one will think it’s cool.
After the movie we watched music videos when my ten-year-old boy cousin proclaimed how cool Fiddy Cent was. I changed the channel immediately and told him there would be no liking of tacky-rap on my watch.
“You just don’t like rap music” he said, because earlier that night I’d made fun of the fact he likes that god-awful “Switch” song by Will Smith.
“I don’t like BAD rap music” I informed him. “There is cool rap but anything sung by a guy whose been shot 9 times doesn’t register as cool to me.”
My boy-cousin proceeded to tell me how being shot is actually cool.
“WHY in god’s name would being shot be cool?” I demanded of him, hoping to figure out how Fiddy’s marketing genius had worked so well on my suburban tween cousins.
“You wouldn’t understand” he said “you’re too emo.”
He’s got me there.


Blogger vivahate said...

Ha! Emo.

But I don't think it's a case of being too emo, it's a case of being too old and uncool. We used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was, and now what we're with isn't 'it' and what's 'it' is strange and disturbing.

Yeah, so I stole that from the Simpsons, but whatever it's still true.


I sometimes talk about music with the kids I work with and one time I mentioned Tool and they're all "Who?"

And they'll talk about their Linkin Park and this and that, and I think about what CD is currently in my discman... And it's the Smiths. So not only am I not with what's hip today, I'm apparently not even with what was hip for my time, I'm with what was hip twenty years ago.

We're so uncool. But we're smarter and have better taste than these stupid youngsters.


6:34 PM  
Blogger n.v. said...

Fleshy, what's emo?

Agree with you on the tacky rap. 50 Cent is nothing but a short-change marketing ploy with teeth too big for his rubbery chocolate-brown head. I dislike him intensely. His teeth look like little corns to me. And his songs suck.

Can you be more obvious than "candy shop" and "lick my lolly pop"? Come the fuck ON -- that analogy got old back in 6th grade.

6:45 PM  
Blogger Rob Danger said...

"1. Emo
Genre of softcore punk music that integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle.
::sniff sniff:: "The Demise of the Siberian Traintracks of Our Rusty Forgotten Unblemished Love" sounds like it would make a great emo band name. ::cry:: "

Basically, skinny-gay-boy-hipster.
Ohmygosh, I have the greatest emo picture EVER, I have to post it later!
Fiddy can kiss my sweaty balls, I really hate his songs.
I'd rather be old and uncool that listen to Fiddy, ick.

7:18 PM  
Blogger vivahate said...

Fleshy cries while playing the guitar at night.

Did I mention I'm listening to Morrissey right now?

So sad.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Ed Grow said...

Ok. As a "boi" who used to sleep with girls I think I am especially qualified to address this problem. Hillary duff is NOT attractive. And Lindsay Lohan (at least when she ate occasionally and had huge ba-boobers) was hawt. Thank you and goodnight. PS. although mullets are totally uncool, I hear that rat-tails have been making a comeback.

11:23 PM  
Blogger Rob Danger said...

If I played guitar, I probably would cry about it. And who are you to talk, YOU'RE LISTENING TO MORISSEY! He practically INVENTED emo.
I find Duff very cute, and to be honest I'm glad that my cousin idolizes Duff over Lohan. Although personally I idolize Lohan over Duff. But I'm old enough.

11:55 PM  
Blogger sixshooter said...

Hey, you dropped me a line, so now I'm doing the same to you. Very funny post ... (haven't had time yet to read the others) ... but the only thing that Duff has over Lohan is that her name is shared with that of the classic Simpsons beverage of choice. Lohan can at least act ... but why are all the tweeny-boppers suddenly trying to be singers too -- isn't one J-Lo enough?

And referencing your comment to me ... of course mind wins out over physical in the end, but sometimes it's nice to have the physical, if only briefly ... however in a perfect world you could find both.

3:10 PM  
Blogger AMS said...

Any relation to Brian Emo or am I on a different thread?

Hillary Duff should be put down in a bucket of acid. Her parents should have been more careful with their contraception.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Rob Danger said...

I think it's less about having a music career and more about making them a brand-name so that it's possible to buy ANYTHING with the Hilary Duff or some such, logo on it. Marketting at its... finest?
Duff is not my personal choice either Ams, but I don't think she's that bad for little tweens who idolize her. I'd rather girls want to dress like Duff than like Britney Spears or Xtina or something.

3:31 PM  

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